Encompassed by life...

So I've fallen off the "Blogging Wagon" for almost a month! :( No one excuse to blame really. More like a million! Life is busy, and dramatic, and overwhelming, and beautiful, and suffocating, and blessed, and... well who knows what life is these days anyway? I certainly don't. I've caught myself thinking I need medication or counseling or something to cope! LOL 


For the most part things have gone pretty well since Helaena joined our household. She is a pretty mature 13 year old. She is very faith-based and appears to have her head screwed on straight. She is also 13... constantly on the phone or texting, always on the computer (another reason I can't get on to blog) and rarely does her chores. *lol* Can't expect perfection, I guess! :) The only real problems we have encountered since she arrived has been with..... yep, you guessed it, HER MOM. I don't think there has EVER been a family that RELISHES drama more than the group down there. Anything they can do to continue to be a thorn in her side...yep that's what they want to do. Helaena has literally sat at the table and cried telling us that she was expected to do all of the housework and take care of her younger sibling and cook meals, etc. She has also told us she was TOLD what to do by her mom every step of the way. She has told us she has been grounded from facebook/myspace/computer and had to relinquish her passwords because she was trying to contact her Dad. Her mom CONSTANTLY texts her. Helaena HATES it. Her mom set a 9:00 phone curfew prior to her arrival... Who's text just popped up on the phone here next to me at 10:20 pm? Yep, one from mom. Everyone down there is mad she is here and everyone is trying to make her life miserable for it. Houston's sister is hugely in on the action too. Doing her best to tell Houston what a worthless father he is and how terrible he is handling being a divorced parent. It's coming at us from every angle, day in and day out.


Around here, I feel like I'm the one man army. I feel like a single mom to 3 kids. My husband's job is partly to blame. 4pm-2:30am is a SUCKY shift. But when we ARE all here I still feel overwhelmed and alone. I feel as though I'm expected to do it all. I feel awkward because I am "NOT" her parent, but I'm in that position the majority of the time. I feel like I should NOT be the person doing the disciplining or setting up the expectations...however I do NOT want to be the person that is being walked over or taken advantage of because the rules aren't being laid out.... it's just such a hard position to be in. She's already 13, already has 13 years of "this is how we do it"....even though how she "used" to do it and how our family "DOES" it are from two completely different planets. In fact, maybe 2 galaxies.


Amid everything, we filled out the paperwork to prove that Helaena has changed residences. We're not asking for her mom to pay US money persay... we're just asking to have OUR MONEY that is to be used FOR HER. And well... it could be 6 months! Take a number! I'm so worried about how to do Haven's birthday, or Christmas. Hell, I'm worried about having enough groceries for everyone. We've cut back where there are luxuries and are considering trading in our SUV for a van just for more space, better gas mileage, cheaper insurance, cheaper payments and overall cheaper cost of ownership. The thought in itself makes me cry. Literally. I know it sounds petty and selfish but it's the FIRST really NICE vehicle I've gotten for myself in my adult life. It's not new, it's got high mileage, but it's mine. And I feel horrible for being selfish but I hate that I may have to sacrifice that one piece of me. We really don't live with many luxuries. We cut down cable and such, but it's our only real "luxury" where we could actually save in our monthly budget. It still makes me cry.


Texted my husband today mid-day and asked what he was up to. "Watching Bones". Yep watching old TV shows through the miracle of Netflix and the Wii.... when I asked if he had all the stuff off the porch he has been promising he will take care of since OCTOBER FIRST, he got all snide and snotty. In fact he had the balls to ask me "Well what have YOU done this week?!" It turned into a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE like 2pm-9:30pm fight. On the phone tonight I say, "You KNOW the reason I was upset earlier isn't that you didn't have the front porch cleaned off?" He said, "No I know it's because I promised and haven't done it." I said..."Ok that sucks too, but really it's because I feel ALONE and you feel ENTITLED to time with the TV or Facebook."


Entitled. My damn husband feels like the teenage girl living under my roof. ENTITLED. I get NO waking minute of ANY damn day to myself, sacrifice anything that is "ME" and do everything for everyone and he's mad because I was interrupting his TV TIME. 


I know this is all probably making no sense I just really have missed blogging and really needed to vent so I could relax my body and mind and sleep. Honestly, the worst part of everything is just how EXHAUSTING it is. It's physically exhausting because everything is CONSTANT. There is always somewhere we have to be or something that should be done or something to cook or something to clean..... and I still work a regular full-time job. AND it's exhuasting because I never have even an hour to myself. Someone is ALWAYS with me. By the time they're all too tired... so am I. I had to force myself up out of bed to come blog tonight just to feel the freedom of time for myself. It's also mentally exhausting, especially WITH ALL the drama coming from down south. They are even posting on Facebook about how her dad's "track record" isn't the greatest. And the poor girl and well all of us who are "thinking/trying" to do the "right thing" are just caught in the middle. It's emotionally exhausting, too. It's constantly something and I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I cant decide if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm even strong enough to do this at all. So at the end of the day.... I'm just flat out EXHAUSTED and EVERY molehill looks like a mountain and there is no reprieve in sight.


Regardless... right now I feel like I'm lost at sea. I feel like I'm very self-involved with our world of troubles and haven't done a good job at begin a friend or reaching out to my own friends. I just am not sure what end's up. So please bear with me and be patient. I'll learn to cope, I'm sure. And I love you all for standing beside me, no matter how self-involved I am or need to be right now.


I guess my plan right now is to survive. I'm clinging to my new-found faith, my church family, my friends, and my prayers...hoping to find the answers. And I'm trying to remember that God never gives us more than what we can handle. I'm sure things are happening for a reason. I just need to better learn how to Let Go and Let God.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

-Philippians 4:6

Life in Full Panic mode...

So this is the BIG WEEKEND. Houston leaves after work tomorrow night... We have been prepping the house, rearranging rooms, trying to get "more organized" (story of my life lol), and dealing with a little bit of DRAMA all at the same time. I feel like my mind won't shut off and I can't really get rid of that ball/knot/sick spot in the pit of my stomach. I've determined that I'm really scared of all the "uncertainties".  I mean I KNOW that she is coming. I know that life is going to change... but I don't KNOW anything else. The uncertainties make my head spin. I have to keep reminding myself to "let go and let GOD". 


Tonight I have been trying to wind down and relax so I can get some sleep...and here it is 12:30 AM and I'm blogging because I'm still having troubles. While I was taking a hot bath my mind was spinning. I don't really know what about just about everything. Usually I read a book while I soak in the bubbles but for whatever reason my mind was just too busy to relax. I got to thinking about my support group I joined last week for "blended families". The one thing the leader STRONGLY encouraged me to do as we do this huge transition was to develop a good relationship with MOM. I had difficulty coming to grips with this. Usually I'm not as Christian as I would like to be when it comes to this subject! I usually let Houston do the calling...and dealing and I just sit in the life I fully belong to and stay out of where I feel I really don't belong. So as I'm soaking in the tub I'm thinking... what would or could I ever really say to her. She has to hate me or strongly dislike me just for all "given" reasons anyway. But as I thought harder I almost felt as though God was asking me to follow this advice. I thought about how hard it would be if *I* were the mother, getting ready to give up *MY* child for an undetermined amount of time. I would be hurt, resentful, sad... And I decided that now was the time to make that "relationship" connection. I'm not saying I want to be best friends with her. I don't think that will be beneficial really to anyone. However, I wanted to reach out to let her know I understood her...mom to mom. And I wanted to make sure there was at least a bridge built over the gap. It may be a small, rickety bridge. It may even be missing a few boards. But it's a bridge. If my kiddos were living a whole days DRIVE away...what would be important to me? A connection. Any connection.


SOOOO.... I got my jammies on and came to my computer. It took a LONG TIME to figure out how to say in words what I wanted. I wanted to sound caring, not fake... compassionate, not patronizing. I still guarantee it's far from perfect, however, I did it. I messaged her...the rickety bridge has been cast over the rushing stream... 


Let me know what you think... it appears below.

Hey,


I know it's a super difficult week for you and I'm probably the last person you want to hear from... but I'm going out on a limb here! :) I just wanted to write to let you know that as a Mom, I completely understand how hard this week must be for you. I know it's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Whether I put your mind at ease or not, I just felt like I should let you know that it will all turn out OK. I commend you for having the strength to let Helaena do what she feels she needs to do at this point in her life.


I know I haven't appeared to be an overly active part in anything. Mostly it's because I felt that I needed to "mind my own business". I love the girls to death and watch over them via facebook, etc. I just never felt it was my place to jump in and post on texts, etc. It's hard to know where your "place" is in someone else's life... past and present. I never wanted you to feel like I was trying to step in where I didn't belong. They're YOUR girls. Now I'm getting the chance to be a little more involved with Helaena and I just want you to know that I'm excited to have the chance to build a relationship with her and I'll do my best to be there for her... but I'll never even pretend to take your "place".


I'm not sure how this whole divorce thing goes. LOL My parents have been married 30 years and I've never had to go through it first hand. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not entirely sure of what to do or say, but I'll try my best. I promise you I won't be the "wicked step mother" and I'll try my best not to make life TOO miserable on her! ;) But if you're comfortable, feel free to message or call or whatever if you ever have questions for me. If there's anything you want to know about here, school, etc... If you'd like for me to tape or YouTube activities so you can see/be part via modern technology or anything like that I'd be happy to. I know it's a huge adjustment for everyone, but I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to be distant or keep you away.


I really admire how involved you guys seem to be in your church and I think that's an awesome thing to bless your kids' life with. We recently started going to a new church and I have found a totally new view on Faith. It's amazing how it can touch and guide your life if you let it. It seems like Helaena is pretty passionate about church and we'll make sure she finds something that she can really connect with while she's here.


Is there anything else you'd like to see her do/stick with/ try? Any rules or expectations you have there that want to see her uphold?


Like I said, I'm probably the last person you want a message from, but I really just wanted you to know that I understand... especially from a Mom's point of view. I hope maybe we can work together to keep communication open! :)


-Kristin
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Maybe all this talk in our 40 days of Community small group is wearing off on me?! LOL Sometimes the best way to show Christ's love, is far from the easiest. God wants you to accept others, even when it seems difficult, or you'd rather turn your back and go about things a different way. God wants you to show Christian Love. It's his way.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:18

Let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.

Romans 14:19

Changes and Challenges... Letting Go & Letting God

  So it's been all too long since I have been on my poor neglected little blog...and not because I have forgotten about it. In fact, I have caught myself several times thinking, "Oh this would be really good to blog about" or "I should really blog tonight". I even have 3 save "drafts" in here of times I've STARTED blogging but it just didn't make it very far before I had to quit for whatever reason. Regardless, it's been a very tumultuous week. 

Nothing really "bad" has happened. I still feel very blessed. It's just been a little crazy. And I'm pretty sure now, it's the beginning of a different direction in our lives.

Tuesday night, as every night at 9:00pm, my husband called me on his break. However, his lead off to our conversation was far from usual. "We've got a problem. I'm going to pick the girls up in 2 weeks, and they're coming to live with us." Uh... WHAT? Back up. Rewind. WHAT exactly is going on? 

Last year right before the school year started, there was some ugly stuff going on with the girls down in Oklahoma. The same thing happened with being told the girls were going to come live up here. And after I came to grips with it all I started planning only to have everyone decide "Never mind". I didn't want this to be the case again. It's kind of a "Sh** or get of the pot" situation if you ask me. Don't call and disrupt everyone's lives unless you're going to allow us to make the changes and follow through with them. If you're calling to say it's time for a change... then dang it lets try the change. At any rate, I didn't want another repeat of that situation.

Well tentative planning was done throughout the week as a few more phone calls were made back and forth. By this morning Houston said that Helaena (Ha-Lay-na) has decided she wants to come live here. Roxanne feels that she has already started High School and is involved with school, activities, Upward Bound, etc. so she wants to stay there. At any rate, things are about to change, for sure. The positive note to this is that mom is letting HER decide. So she WANTS to be here. And the thing she was most concerned about is if we go to church! She thought we went to the catholic church still and didn't feel comfortable going there! Hopefully she likes our new church! It could be a super positive change for her.

Regardless of positivity or negativity... I've really come to peace about it. Saying some prayers to do what's right. Asking for some guidance as EVERYONE makes a big transition. I've decided the best thing I can do in the situation is "Let Go...and Let God!"

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.   Jeremiah 29:11