For the most part things have gone pretty well since Helaena joined our household. She is a pretty mature 13 year old. She is very faith-based and appears to have her head screwed on straight. She is also 13... constantly on the phone or texting, always on the computer (another reason I can't get on to blog) and rarely does her chores. *lol* Can't expect perfection, I guess! :) The only real problems we have encountered since she arrived has been with..... yep, you guessed it, HER MOM. I don't think there has EVER been a family that RELISHES drama more than the group down there. Anything they can do to continue to be a thorn in her side...yep that's what they want to do. Helaena has literally sat at the table and cried telling us that she was expected to do all of the housework and take care of her younger sibling and cook meals, etc. She has also told us she was TOLD what to do by her mom every step of the way. She has told us she has been grounded from facebook/myspace/computer and had to relinquish her passwords because she was trying to contact her Dad. Her mom CONSTANTLY texts her. Helaena HATES it. Her mom set a 9:00 phone curfew prior to her arrival... Who's text just popped up on the phone here next to me at 10:20 pm? Yep, one from mom. Everyone down there is mad she is here and everyone is trying to make her life miserable for it. Houston's sister is hugely in on the action too. Doing her best to tell Houston what a worthless father he is and how terrible he is handling being a divorced parent. It's coming at us from every angle, day in and day out.
Around here, I feel like I'm the one man army. I feel like a single mom to 3 kids. My husband's job is partly to blame. 4pm-2:30am is a SUCKY shift. But when we ARE all here I still feel overwhelmed and alone. I feel as though I'm expected to do it all. I feel awkward because I am "NOT" her parent, but I'm in that position the majority of the time. I feel like I should NOT be the person doing the disciplining or setting up the expectations...however I do NOT want to be the person that is being walked over or taken advantage of because the rules aren't being laid out.... it's just such a hard position to be in. She's already 13, already has 13 years of "this is how we do it"....even though how she "used" to do it and how our family "DOES" it are from two completely different planets. In fact, maybe 2 galaxies.
Amid everything, we filled out the paperwork to prove that Helaena has changed residences. We're not asking for her mom to pay US money persay... we're just asking to have OUR MONEY that is to be used FOR HER. And well... it could be 6 months! Take a number! I'm so worried about how to do Haven's birthday, or Christmas. Hell, I'm worried about having enough groceries for everyone. We've cut back where there are luxuries and are considering trading in our SUV for a van just for more space, better gas mileage, cheaper insurance, cheaper payments and overall cheaper cost of ownership. The thought in itself makes me cry. Literally. I know it sounds petty and selfish but it's the FIRST really NICE vehicle I've gotten for myself in my adult life. It's not new, it's got high mileage, but it's mine. And I feel horrible for being selfish but I hate that I may have to sacrifice that one piece of me. We really don't live with many luxuries. We cut down cable and such, but it's our only real "luxury" where we could actually save in our monthly budget. It still makes me cry.
Texted my husband today mid-day and asked what he was up to. "Watching Bones". Yep watching old TV shows through the miracle of Netflix and the Wii.... when I asked if he had all the stuff off the porch he has been promising he will take care of since OCTOBER FIRST, he got all snide and snotty. In fact he had the balls to ask me "Well what have YOU done this week?!" It turned into a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE like 2pm-9:30pm fight. On the phone tonight I say, "You KNOW the reason I was upset earlier isn't that you didn't have the front porch cleaned off?" He said, "No I know it's because I promised and haven't done it." I said..."Ok that sucks too, but really it's because I feel ALONE and you feel ENTITLED to time with the TV or Facebook."
Entitled. My damn husband feels like the teenage girl living under my roof. ENTITLED. I get NO waking minute of ANY damn day to myself, sacrifice anything that is "ME" and do everything for everyone and he's mad because I was interrupting his TV TIME.
I know this is all probably making no sense I just really have missed blogging and really needed to vent so I could relax my body and mind and sleep. Honestly, the worst part of everything is just how EXHAUSTING it is. It's physically exhausting because everything is CONSTANT. There is always somewhere we have to be or something that should be done or something to cook or something to clean..... and I still work a regular full-time job. AND it's exhuasting because I never have even an hour to myself. Someone is ALWAYS with me. By the time they're all too tired... so am I. I had to force myself up out of bed to come blog tonight just to feel the freedom of time for myself. It's also mentally exhausting, especially WITH ALL the drama coming from down south. They are even posting on Facebook about how her dad's "track record" isn't the greatest. And the poor girl and well all of us who are "thinking/trying" to do the "right thing" are just caught in the middle. It's emotionally exhausting, too. It's constantly something and I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I cant decide if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm even strong enough to do this at all. So at the end of the day.... I'm just flat out EXHAUSTED and EVERY molehill looks like a mountain and there is no reprieve in sight.
Regardless... right now I feel like I'm lost at sea. I feel like I'm very self-involved with our world of troubles and haven't done a good job at begin a friend or reaching out to my own friends. I just am not sure what end's up. So please bear with me and be patient. I'll learn to cope, I'm sure. And I love you all for standing beside me, no matter how self-involved I am or need to be right now.
I guess my plan right now is to survive. I'm clinging to my new-found faith, my church family, my friends, and my prayers...hoping to find the answers. And I'm trying to remember that God never gives us more than what we can handle. I'm sure things are happening for a reason. I just need to better learn how to Let Go and Let God.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
-Philippians 4:6
first off big hugs to you! I'm sorry you have to go thru this, but know that you are a strong person. Look at all that you have went through up to this point. It may seem like it will never come, but soon you guys will find a routine. As for feeling like a single parent, I can totally relate with that, thanks to our hubby's jobs. I'm here if ya need someone to talk to you. *hugs*
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