Tonight I have been trying to wind down and relax so I can get some sleep...and here it is 12:30 AM and I'm blogging because I'm still having troubles. While I was taking a hot bath my mind was spinning. I don't really know what about just about everything. Usually I read a book while I soak in the bubbles but for whatever reason my mind was just too busy to relax. I got to thinking about my support group I joined last week for "blended families". The one thing the leader STRONGLY encouraged me to do as we do this huge transition was to develop a good relationship with MOM. I had difficulty coming to grips with this. Usually I'm not as Christian as I would like to be when it comes to this subject! I usually let Houston do the calling...and dealing and I just sit in the life I fully belong to and stay out of where I feel I really don't belong. So as I'm soaking in the tub I'm thinking... what would or could I ever really say to her. She has to hate me or strongly dislike me just for all "given" reasons anyway. But as I thought harder I almost felt as though God was asking me to follow this advice. I thought about how hard it would be if *I* were the mother, getting ready to give up *MY* child for an undetermined amount of time. I would be hurt, resentful, sad... And I decided that now was the time to make that "relationship" connection. I'm not saying I want to be best friends with her. I don't think that will be beneficial really to anyone. However, I wanted to reach out to let her know I understood her...mom to mom. And I wanted to make sure there was at least a bridge built over the gap. It may be a small, rickety bridge. It may even be missing a few boards. But it's a bridge. If my kiddos were living a whole days DRIVE away...what would be important to me? A connection. Any connection.
SOOOO.... I got my jammies on and came to my computer. It took a LONG TIME to figure out how to say in words what I wanted. I wanted to sound caring, not fake... compassionate, not patronizing. I still guarantee it's far from perfect, however, I did it. I messaged her...the rickety bridge has been cast over the rushing stream...
Let me know what you think... it appears below.
I know it's a super difficult week for you and I'm probably the last person you want to hear from... but I'm going out on a limb here! :) I just wanted to write to let you know that as a Mom, I completely understand how hard this week must be for you. I know it's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Whether I put your mind at ease or not, I just felt like I should let you know that it will all turn out OK. I commend you for having the strength to let Helaena do what she feels she needs to do at this point in her life.
I know I haven't appeared to be an overly active part in anything. Mostly it's because I felt that I needed to "mind my own business". I love the girls to death and watch over them via facebook, etc. I just never felt it was my place to jump in and post on texts, etc. It's hard to know where your "place" is in someone else's life... past and present. I never wanted you to feel like I was trying to step in where I didn't belong. They're YOUR girls. Now I'm getting the chance to be a little more involved with Helaena and I just want you to know that I'm excited to have the chance to build a relationship with her and I'll do my best to be there for her... but I'll never even pretend to take your "place".
I'm not sure how this whole divorce thing goes. LOL My parents have been married 30 years and I've never had to go through it first hand. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not entirely sure of what to do or say, but I'll try my best. I promise you I won't be the "wicked step mother" and I'll try my best not to make life TOO miserable on her! ;) But if you're comfortable, feel free to message or call or whatever if you ever have questions for me. If there's anything you want to know about here, school, etc... If you'd like for me to tape or YouTube activities so you can see/be part via modern technology or anything like that I'd be happy to. I know it's a huge adjustment for everyone, but I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to be distant or keep you away.
I really admire how involved you guys seem to be in your church and I think that's an awesome thing to bless your kids' life with. We recently started going to a new church and I have found a totally new view on Faith. It's amazing how it can touch and guide your life if you let it. It seems like Helaena is pretty passionate about church and we'll make sure she finds something that she can really connect with while she's here.
Is there anything else you'd like to see her do/stick with/ try? Any rules or expectations you have there that want to see her uphold?
Like I said, I'm probably the last person you want a message from, but I really just wanted you to know that I understand... especially from a Mom's point of view. I hope maybe we can work together to keep communication open! :)
-Kristin
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Maybe all this talk in our 40 days of Community small group is wearing off on me?! LOL Sometimes the best way to show Christ's love, is far from the easiest. God wants you to accept others, even when it seems difficult, or you'd rather turn your back and go about things a different way. God wants you to show Christian Love. It's his way.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18
Let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.
Romans 14:19
Like I said earlier you are a good person! I strive to "let go" of the past and all the hurt/resentment. I think it is wonderful that you "put on your big girl panties" (hehe) and reached out. All that really matters in all of this is the kids and you are doing good things by them. I am proud of you!
ReplyDeleteI too am not always as Christian as I would like to be (for the reasons I in my texts!), but I know I WANT to work on that. It is important for me and for my future family!
You are a good mom and I hope to follow in your footsteps SOON! :) You are a great person/mother/wife/friend. You acknowledge your weaknesses and are dealing with them head on; I love that! I am thinking about your family and your huge transition this weekend. If you need anything, or need to talk...I am here for you. I think you are stuck with me unless you "de-friend" me. *LOL*
*for the reasons I MENTIONED in me texts!
ReplyDeleteGeesh, I need to check things out before I hit send. :)
I disagree :) You know some other things as well! :)
ReplyDeleteYou KNOW there will be new great memories to be had. You KNOW that things may be more complicated but that everything will work out. You KNOW that you will now have more love in your family to share :)
Considering I'm already getting eye rolls from my 19 month old little girl, I can only imagine the craziness from instantly getting a teenage girl. But you will both learn as you go. You will learn how to be a step mom...and she will learn how to be a step daughter and step sister. I think that is going to be a really great opportunity for her and that you guys will really be able to learn and influence each other. Try to focus on the positive to distract you from the chaos :)
The letter was really nice. You set the foundation for the "bridge." Just don't be disappointed if the other side puts up dynamite (not saying that she will....but in a worst case scenario). Sometimes in life we put out that peace branch only for it to be set on fire (been there...done that :P). But that's okay too. One of the things I have been working on is I can't control people or their actions. I can only control my actions and my reactions to their actions. It keeps me from feeling disappointed in others. It's one of the things I've learned from my Crapburger board and it was kinda one of those ah-HA moments so I thought I would share!
Good luck in this new chapter! :)