Finding Strength through Faith

I still struggle to make sense of everything "teenager" but am finding strength and understanding a little at a time. Last Wednesday, Helaena and I went to the "Make a Difference Tour" which was an entirely Christian concert featuring: Toby Mac, Third Day, and Michael W. Smith. What an AMAZING experience!! I've never really been exposed to "Contemporary Christian Music" before attending St. Paul's, but I'm finding more and more that I love! I'm amazed at all that is out there. Can't believe I have had blinders on for so long! I have even spent some time listening to Life 101.9. I love in my truck that it shows the song title and who is singing it on the front of the display. It's helping me learn more about the music! Third Day, MercyMe, Toby Mac... great stuff!


This Sunday we became OFFICIAL MEMBERS at our new Church. It felt amazing to be welcomed into this awesome family we've become intertwined with over the last few months! I loved in our "Member" classes (which we did by DVD because of our opposite work schedules) the emphasis was all placed on what spiritual gifts YOU have and how YOU can share yourself and your talents to make the church a better place. They also emphasized living a Christian LIFE. I love that it's an active approach, there is so much to be involved in, and it all doesn't just revolved around just being in church on Sunday morning. That's only PART of the equation. And not only do they emphasize this...they LIVE this. 


During the sermon Pastor James talked about Saints for "All Saints Day". During this time he talked about the members of the church that had died over the last year. In essence he talked about how the world may look at this handful of people and say, "Well they're not that great!" but in all actuality each of them was! They were great spouses, parents, grandparents, bakers, craftsmen, etc. He challenged each of us to be GREAT. He went on to say, we're all here to SERVE not to be SERVED so we should use our greatness to serve others. It made so much sense. The message was awesome. The people he talked about, I knew not ONE of them, and yet their stories really were GREAT!


It's all made me stop and try to get a little grip on myself and my attitude. Things have been hard...OH YES! Each day has been full of challenge... FOR SURE. But I'm here to do great things. God never asks more of us than what we can handle. Everything happens for a reason and this challenge in our lives is all for a specific reason. Yes, my life is busy and I'm working on finding time for myself and my friends...but I'm OK because I have support. I just need to reach out and accept that support.


My husband and I have been working hard to become a united team front. It's not easy but it's achievable. We implemented family meetings in our house every Sunday when we get home from church with an official "agenda" and all. We're trying to keep the communication open and everyone on board so no ONE person (*cough cough* me *cough cough*) is feeling so overly overwhelmed by the entire life change. It's a step. A small step in a LARGE ocean of change, but this week already feels more blessed and less stressed!

Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right.     -Proverbs 22:6

Life in Full Panic mode...

So this is the BIG WEEKEND. Houston leaves after work tomorrow night... We have been prepping the house, rearranging rooms, trying to get "more organized" (story of my life lol), and dealing with a little bit of DRAMA all at the same time. I feel like my mind won't shut off and I can't really get rid of that ball/knot/sick spot in the pit of my stomach. I've determined that I'm really scared of all the "uncertainties".  I mean I KNOW that she is coming. I know that life is going to change... but I don't KNOW anything else. The uncertainties make my head spin. I have to keep reminding myself to "let go and let GOD". 


Tonight I have been trying to wind down and relax so I can get some sleep...and here it is 12:30 AM and I'm blogging because I'm still having troubles. While I was taking a hot bath my mind was spinning. I don't really know what about just about everything. Usually I read a book while I soak in the bubbles but for whatever reason my mind was just too busy to relax. I got to thinking about my support group I joined last week for "blended families". The one thing the leader STRONGLY encouraged me to do as we do this huge transition was to develop a good relationship with MOM. I had difficulty coming to grips with this. Usually I'm not as Christian as I would like to be when it comes to this subject! I usually let Houston do the calling...and dealing and I just sit in the life I fully belong to and stay out of where I feel I really don't belong. So as I'm soaking in the tub I'm thinking... what would or could I ever really say to her. She has to hate me or strongly dislike me just for all "given" reasons anyway. But as I thought harder I almost felt as though God was asking me to follow this advice. I thought about how hard it would be if *I* were the mother, getting ready to give up *MY* child for an undetermined amount of time. I would be hurt, resentful, sad... And I decided that now was the time to make that "relationship" connection. I'm not saying I want to be best friends with her. I don't think that will be beneficial really to anyone. However, I wanted to reach out to let her know I understood her...mom to mom. And I wanted to make sure there was at least a bridge built over the gap. It may be a small, rickety bridge. It may even be missing a few boards. But it's a bridge. If my kiddos were living a whole days DRIVE away...what would be important to me? A connection. Any connection.


SOOOO.... I got my jammies on and came to my computer. It took a LONG TIME to figure out how to say in words what I wanted. I wanted to sound caring, not fake... compassionate, not patronizing. I still guarantee it's far from perfect, however, I did it. I messaged her...the rickety bridge has been cast over the rushing stream... 


Let me know what you think... it appears below.

Hey,


I know it's a super difficult week for you and I'm probably the last person you want to hear from... but I'm going out on a limb here! :) I just wanted to write to let you know that as a Mom, I completely understand how hard this week must be for you. I know it's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Whether I put your mind at ease or not, I just felt like I should let you know that it will all turn out OK. I commend you for having the strength to let Helaena do what she feels she needs to do at this point in her life.


I know I haven't appeared to be an overly active part in anything. Mostly it's because I felt that I needed to "mind my own business". I love the girls to death and watch over them via facebook, etc. I just never felt it was my place to jump in and post on texts, etc. It's hard to know where your "place" is in someone else's life... past and present. I never wanted you to feel like I was trying to step in where I didn't belong. They're YOUR girls. Now I'm getting the chance to be a little more involved with Helaena and I just want you to know that I'm excited to have the chance to build a relationship with her and I'll do my best to be there for her... but I'll never even pretend to take your "place".


I'm not sure how this whole divorce thing goes. LOL My parents have been married 30 years and I've never had to go through it first hand. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not entirely sure of what to do or say, but I'll try my best. I promise you I won't be the "wicked step mother" and I'll try my best not to make life TOO miserable on her! ;) But if you're comfortable, feel free to message or call or whatever if you ever have questions for me. If there's anything you want to know about here, school, etc... If you'd like for me to tape or YouTube activities so you can see/be part via modern technology or anything like that I'd be happy to. I know it's a huge adjustment for everyone, but I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to be distant or keep you away.


I really admire how involved you guys seem to be in your church and I think that's an awesome thing to bless your kids' life with. We recently started going to a new church and I have found a totally new view on Faith. It's amazing how it can touch and guide your life if you let it. It seems like Helaena is pretty passionate about church and we'll make sure she finds something that she can really connect with while she's here.


Is there anything else you'd like to see her do/stick with/ try? Any rules or expectations you have there that want to see her uphold?


Like I said, I'm probably the last person you want a message from, but I really just wanted you to know that I understand... especially from a Mom's point of view. I hope maybe we can work together to keep communication open! :)


-Kristin
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Maybe all this talk in our 40 days of Community small group is wearing off on me?! LOL Sometimes the best way to show Christ's love, is far from the easiest. God wants you to accept others, even when it seems difficult, or you'd rather turn your back and go about things a different way. God wants you to show Christian Love. It's his way.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:18

Let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.

Romans 14:19

Thankful and Blessed

 I can't even begin to describe how thankful and blessed I feel to have the close knit group of friends I have. It doesn't matter where life leads me, what struggles I face or what accomplishments I celebrate, I swear I have the best friends in the entire world! I can't thank my friends enough for what they do and what they bring to my life.

This strong, real type of friendship was shown to me this weekend in an outpouring of kindness and giving. It started on Saturday night. Between midnight and 1AM after I finished at Date Night, I came out to my truck to find a beautiful pink and brown leather-bound bible left in my seat. It's absolutely beautiful. Not to mention, my  name is engraved on the front! As someone that has just found "myself" and a real "adult" understanding of "Faith"... it was a beautifully, perfect gift.

After church on Sunday, Cassie and Josh, Caden and Cassie's Mom Stephanie joined us at our house for lunch. When we got here Steph & Cassie were all worried about what they can do to help. I barely had time to dump the soup ingredients together and Cassie tells Houston and I to come sit down on the couch. For the next 10 minutes she proceeds to empty a box one item at a time... a HUGE box mind you. She and Stephanie had gone out on Saturday and found everything we'll ever need to make the coolest teenage girl's bedroom! It's unbelievable. From rugs to throw pillows to sheets to comforters, to photo frames to desk supplies... EVERYTHING! It's completely unreal. I know that with the expense of moving her up here and the lag in the time where we have to pay child support but she's actually here...(just it's a large, unexpected expense that we weren't given much time to budget for) I know there is no way we could have done anything to the extent that they did. It was a HUGE deal. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it... still can't. I can't wait to put her room all together, hopefully with Cassie's help and eye for ridiculously fun detail. (Once the toys are all moved out!)  

It doesn't even have to be things so grand... but this just goes to show you what a wonderful support system of friends we have. I feel unbelievably blessed and grateful for all that God has given to me in the form of friends, family, children and life. Sometimes I think I take these people and things for granted because life gets to busy or I just "don't have the time"... I'm really learning to step back and appreciate the things that truly matter and not get caught up in the day to day stuff that in the end has no meaning.

Right now I'm taking part in a group for 40 days of Community within our Church. Our main focus is "love" and how to love unconditionally as God has created us to do. It's a wonderful eye opening study. And above all things it is opening my eyes to the things I take for granted. Life is not about success or failure, it's not about what toys we have or the trips we take. Life isn't about how big our house is our how nice our cars are... Life is about learning to love. Learning to love those around us even when we may not "like" them. I'm working on that part... loving everyone is not an easy thing to do. But remember to tell those we love is! 

TO ALL MY FRIENDS...the true ones...that stick beside me....push me to a better person, friend and mother. To those that listen without judging and stay in touch even when life is crazy.... I LOVE YOU!

As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.

-Proverbs 27:19

Faith and Blessings

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you."

I've decided to *TRY* and start my 3 blog. I've never been a very successful "regular blogger", but I've always aspired to be. I always thought, "Hey, what a neat way to keep up with 'life in general' in a way that can archive all those special times and memories for years and years to come! The time has come to give it another run, in hopes that I can truly capture life's "little moments" as they happen. (Maybe then I'll be able to get the baby books updated! *lol*)


One of the major things that lead me to try blogging again is my recent "inner struggle" with my faith. Faith, church, family "traditions"... it's all a big deal, right? I mean, some people were brought up going to church every Sunday, some weren't. However, most of the time I would venture to guess, people tend to follow in their parents' footsteps and continue to follow the path they've been on from an early age. Up until very recently, I did just that.... well sort of. More "recently" I've been not doing anything at all really! :( I never even CONSIDERED "going against the grain" of my Catholic upbringing.  But because I have not been "doing anything at all, really", I wasn't getting the Faith I needed, nor was I providing that opportunity to my children. I wasn't very proud of that.


So, I have done a lot of soul searching and had some internal struggle lately as far as Faith goes. As I said, my parents raised me Catholic, in fact they still are very devout even though my brother and I are both grown and gone. We were the family that went EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. Sat in the 4th row back, clear to the left side. LOL I think our names may be inscribed on those pews! LOL  I remember teaching Kindergarten CCD classes when I was in High School, attending "Youth Rallies" and going on a big trip to the National Catholic Youth Conference in St. Louis. It's totally not that I wasn't "involved" in the church...just maybe not "connected"?!... Once I graduated I kind of fell away, and was searching for my own way.  Once I had Haven, my parents basically were begging me to come back to church so Haven would have God in his life. I wanted him to have church in his life, too. I started going every week (well mostly lol) and got him Baptized, etc. Up until recently, I even worked in the church office as my 2nd job. That job totally was a challenge and so hard for me. People expected so much of me in that position, especially with another full time job and 2 SMALL children at home. I tried to give my notice 3 times but the Priest didn't want to see me go. I finally said, "MY FAMILY and MY MARRIAGE will not survive this anymore!" Once I was able to get out of the position I couldn't hardly THINK about going back to church there. I felt like everyone was still forming all their small town thoughts and opinions...and I just felt *shrugs* I don't know... NOT connected. We stopped going to church for a few months because I just couldn't walk back through those doors! Considering I live in the town I grew up in and it's the size of a microwave bag of popcorn....EVERYBODY KNOWS EVERYBODY THAT KNOWS ANYBODY...and they all make YOU their business!


Haven went to a one day a week preschool program at a local Lutheran Church. He was very intuitive and had a lot of innocent interest and intrigue. He started ASKING to go to church...a 4 year old! He began ASKING to pray at night ("Look mom, you kneel by your bed like this. That's what Lilo does on "Lilo and Stitch"). He began ASKING to go to every VBS he heard talked about. A children's faith is a beautiful thing. They don't see the politics or any unpleasantness. If only we could all have faith like a child, innocent, honest and pure!


Then back in May I followed the story of little Ben Ricketts. I don't know if you're familiar with it, it was ALL OVER Facebook and the news. Ben was 22 months old when he got tangled in the blinds in his room at nap time. They spent so much time at PICU at U of I and the outpouring of prayers on Facebook was inspirational...almost 50,000 people joined his "Pray for Ben" page!! But even beyond Ben and Facebook was Ben's family. Through such terrible times in their life, their faith and love for God ABOUNDED. I was amazed and also jealous. I had NEVER experienced faith like that. I had NEVER had a relationship with God like that! Between meeting Ben through Facebook and meeting a new dear friend that has a 3 year old daughter with SMA, a WHOLE lot of things got put into perspective for me. I realized that maybe part of it is that this is not where God is speaking loudest to me. I have nothing negative to say about my life or growing up Catholic. I'm blessed that my parents saw to it that I had church and God, values and morals! I just that I feel like I was at the point where I went because it was SUNDAY and because we were SUPPOSED to. I didn't want to go to church out of OBLIGATION, instead I wanted to go somewhere where we could CONNECT as a family and WANT to learn and grow together. 


Then one day when I was processing all of this through a wonderful conversation with my dear friend Cassie, she said, "You should come to church with us some Sunday. We only went once, but we're so wanting to go again!" She proceeded to tell me about St. Paul's and how the music was wonderful and how inviting it felt. So we made a "Church Date" to attend the first Sunday in July! All it took was that SUNDAY! We were amazed at the experience. Ironically, the first week was the start of a message series on FACEBOOK. Yep, FACEBOOK! I can only be amazed that through Facebook I found BEN and his family's BEAUTIFUL faith that inspired me to want MORE! And through Facebook I found my way back to wanting a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with God...and here is the pastor talking about what FACEBOOK can do in your life if only you let it! Talk about a message from God! :) I think that was my own personal "Godwink". I truly believe it's the message that God is sending to tell me that this is where we belong! 


We feel so blessed to have found a place where we feel compelled to be PART of SOMETHING...not just "attend". We look FORWARD to going as a family on Sunday... not just "go, because it's Sunday". We talk throughout the week about how much we now look forward to Sunday and the time we spend together at church. My husband that used to be "ho hum" about God and church in general is EXCITED to go...feels INSPIRED to get involved! My kids are experiencing such wonderful things through VBS, the preschool room, and the nursery. It's ALL there! We're not "obligated" anymore! We're EXCITED!! I struggle to find the words to describe all the things that have changed in my life or my heart in such a short amount of time. I feel overwhelmed and blessed all at the same time. I've learned a whole lot about faith and a whole lot about what's important in life and it continues to amaze me. Every single week we've gone (and we haven't missed a week yet!) some part of the Sermon, a bible verse, a song, SOMETHING speaks so deeply to me! It's amazing!


I know it's only the beginning of a lifetime journey in Faith. I know there is so much more to learn and live. I'm just very excited that for once I feel like I'm in a place that uplifts me and feels so alive!


I'm going to try to find a scripture or a quote to end each blog. (I'm not very good at knowing different scriptures yet, but I'm hoping to connect and learn more!) The one for tonight I purchased on a little wooden sign from the Christian Book Store not long after little Ben touched my life. I wanted to ensure myself that I would NEVER, EVER forget him. So I bought a couple little wooden signs to put up amongst my pictures, to remind me each and every day of the ways Ben touched my life and my heart.


                      "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"
                                                                                                               -Hebrews 11:1