Life in Full Panic mode...

So this is the BIG WEEKEND. Houston leaves after work tomorrow night... We have been prepping the house, rearranging rooms, trying to get "more organized" (story of my life lol), and dealing with a little bit of DRAMA all at the same time. I feel like my mind won't shut off and I can't really get rid of that ball/knot/sick spot in the pit of my stomach. I've determined that I'm really scared of all the "uncertainties".  I mean I KNOW that she is coming. I know that life is going to change... but I don't KNOW anything else. The uncertainties make my head spin. I have to keep reminding myself to "let go and let GOD". 


Tonight I have been trying to wind down and relax so I can get some sleep...and here it is 12:30 AM and I'm blogging because I'm still having troubles. While I was taking a hot bath my mind was spinning. I don't really know what about just about everything. Usually I read a book while I soak in the bubbles but for whatever reason my mind was just too busy to relax. I got to thinking about my support group I joined last week for "blended families". The one thing the leader STRONGLY encouraged me to do as we do this huge transition was to develop a good relationship with MOM. I had difficulty coming to grips with this. Usually I'm not as Christian as I would like to be when it comes to this subject! I usually let Houston do the calling...and dealing and I just sit in the life I fully belong to and stay out of where I feel I really don't belong. So as I'm soaking in the tub I'm thinking... what would or could I ever really say to her. She has to hate me or strongly dislike me just for all "given" reasons anyway. But as I thought harder I almost felt as though God was asking me to follow this advice. I thought about how hard it would be if *I* were the mother, getting ready to give up *MY* child for an undetermined amount of time. I would be hurt, resentful, sad... And I decided that now was the time to make that "relationship" connection. I'm not saying I want to be best friends with her. I don't think that will be beneficial really to anyone. However, I wanted to reach out to let her know I understood her...mom to mom. And I wanted to make sure there was at least a bridge built over the gap. It may be a small, rickety bridge. It may even be missing a few boards. But it's a bridge. If my kiddos were living a whole days DRIVE away...what would be important to me? A connection. Any connection.


SOOOO.... I got my jammies on and came to my computer. It took a LONG TIME to figure out how to say in words what I wanted. I wanted to sound caring, not fake... compassionate, not patronizing. I still guarantee it's far from perfect, however, I did it. I messaged her...the rickety bridge has been cast over the rushing stream... 


Let me know what you think... it appears below.

Hey,


I know it's a super difficult week for you and I'm probably the last person you want to hear from... but I'm going out on a limb here! :) I just wanted to write to let you know that as a Mom, I completely understand how hard this week must be for you. I know it's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Whether I put your mind at ease or not, I just felt like I should let you know that it will all turn out OK. I commend you for having the strength to let Helaena do what she feels she needs to do at this point in her life.


I know I haven't appeared to be an overly active part in anything. Mostly it's because I felt that I needed to "mind my own business". I love the girls to death and watch over them via facebook, etc. I just never felt it was my place to jump in and post on texts, etc. It's hard to know where your "place" is in someone else's life... past and present. I never wanted you to feel like I was trying to step in where I didn't belong. They're YOUR girls. Now I'm getting the chance to be a little more involved with Helaena and I just want you to know that I'm excited to have the chance to build a relationship with her and I'll do my best to be there for her... but I'll never even pretend to take your "place".


I'm not sure how this whole divorce thing goes. LOL My parents have been married 30 years and I've never had to go through it first hand. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not entirely sure of what to do or say, but I'll try my best. I promise you I won't be the "wicked step mother" and I'll try my best not to make life TOO miserable on her! ;) But if you're comfortable, feel free to message or call or whatever if you ever have questions for me. If there's anything you want to know about here, school, etc... If you'd like for me to tape or YouTube activities so you can see/be part via modern technology or anything like that I'd be happy to. I know it's a huge adjustment for everyone, but I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to be distant or keep you away.


I really admire how involved you guys seem to be in your church and I think that's an awesome thing to bless your kids' life with. We recently started going to a new church and I have found a totally new view on Faith. It's amazing how it can touch and guide your life if you let it. It seems like Helaena is pretty passionate about church and we'll make sure she finds something that she can really connect with while she's here.


Is there anything else you'd like to see her do/stick with/ try? Any rules or expectations you have there that want to see her uphold?


Like I said, I'm probably the last person you want a message from, but I really just wanted you to know that I understand... especially from a Mom's point of view. I hope maybe we can work together to keep communication open! :)


-Kristin
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Maybe all this talk in our 40 days of Community small group is wearing off on me?! LOL Sometimes the best way to show Christ's love, is far from the easiest. God wants you to accept others, even when it seems difficult, or you'd rather turn your back and go about things a different way. God wants you to show Christian Love. It's his way.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:18

Let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.

Romans 14:19

Memory Lane Monday... Third Grade

Third grade is the year that holds the WORST memories for me in all of my school years. In fact I hated 3rd grade so much I can't even put a picture of ANYTHING on this post! LOL


Anyway...here goes reliving the worst year of my school years... here goes nothing!

• I disliked my teacher SO much. Ms. Galey. She was so mean! She wasn't even capable of smiling I swear! I remembering kids in the class (including me) calling her "Miss Gay twad"... nice huh!?
• I got hit in the face with a swing on the playground and chipped my front tooth up. Miss Galey told me to get over it. She was so not compassionate. I was devastated and mortified I had to sit in class with a chipped tooth.
• I got picked on for my weight horribly. I just wanted to be one of the "cool" kids that got invited to the "cool" hotel birthday's. But nope!
• We had to do a "body shape" assignment for math and a girl turned around and told me, you're nothing but a big fat circle. I told the teacher and of course she again, didn't care.
• I had a HUGE obsession with New Kids on the Block! HUGE! My aunt bought me the "Hangin' Tough" concert VHS for Christmas. I had sheets (my parents still have them in the camper! LOL), a blanket, t-shirts and posters!
• I remember we learned cursive this year. I liked cursive.
• We also did a lot with multiplication tables.
• We did this super cool project that was a trip to Washington DC on paper. We plotted out the map and did daily "journals" of where we drove to/through, what hotels we stayed out, how much everything cost..etc. It was a SUPER COOL project! My partner was the other "Kristen" in the class.

Yep...that's about all I can remember from the year of hell. Seriously, I think I block most of it out... I HATED third grade!

Thankful and Blessed

 I can't even begin to describe how thankful and blessed I feel to have the close knit group of friends I have. It doesn't matter where life leads me, what struggles I face or what accomplishments I celebrate, I swear I have the best friends in the entire world! I can't thank my friends enough for what they do and what they bring to my life.

This strong, real type of friendship was shown to me this weekend in an outpouring of kindness and giving. It started on Saturday night. Between midnight and 1AM after I finished at Date Night, I came out to my truck to find a beautiful pink and brown leather-bound bible left in my seat. It's absolutely beautiful. Not to mention, my  name is engraved on the front! As someone that has just found "myself" and a real "adult" understanding of "Faith"... it was a beautifully, perfect gift.

After church on Sunday, Cassie and Josh, Caden and Cassie's Mom Stephanie joined us at our house for lunch. When we got here Steph & Cassie were all worried about what they can do to help. I barely had time to dump the soup ingredients together and Cassie tells Houston and I to come sit down on the couch. For the next 10 minutes she proceeds to empty a box one item at a time... a HUGE box mind you. She and Stephanie had gone out on Saturday and found everything we'll ever need to make the coolest teenage girl's bedroom! It's unbelievable. From rugs to throw pillows to sheets to comforters, to photo frames to desk supplies... EVERYTHING! It's completely unreal. I know that with the expense of moving her up here and the lag in the time where we have to pay child support but she's actually here...(just it's a large, unexpected expense that we weren't given much time to budget for) I know there is no way we could have done anything to the extent that they did. It was a HUGE deal. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it... still can't. I can't wait to put her room all together, hopefully with Cassie's help and eye for ridiculously fun detail. (Once the toys are all moved out!)  

It doesn't even have to be things so grand... but this just goes to show you what a wonderful support system of friends we have. I feel unbelievably blessed and grateful for all that God has given to me in the form of friends, family, children and life. Sometimes I think I take these people and things for granted because life gets to busy or I just "don't have the time"... I'm really learning to step back and appreciate the things that truly matter and not get caught up in the day to day stuff that in the end has no meaning.

Right now I'm taking part in a group for 40 days of Community within our Church. Our main focus is "love" and how to love unconditionally as God has created us to do. It's a wonderful eye opening study. And above all things it is opening my eyes to the things I take for granted. Life is not about success or failure, it's not about what toys we have or the trips we take. Life isn't about how big our house is our how nice our cars are... Life is about learning to love. Learning to love those around us even when we may not "like" them. I'm working on that part... loving everyone is not an easy thing to do. But remember to tell those we love is! 

TO ALL MY FRIENDS...the true ones...that stick beside me....push me to a better person, friend and mother. To those that listen without judging and stay in touch even when life is crazy.... I LOVE YOU!

As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.

-Proverbs 27:19

Memory Lane Monday...2nd grade

image found at:
 http://northcarolinatheatre.blogspot.com

I'm sitting her racking my brain trying to think of 2nd grade and for whatever reason I'm having a hard time thinking of much! Usually when I start it all just starts to multiply from one memory to the "OMG, I SO FORGOT" next! So here goes nothing.... 2nd grade.

• I had Mrs. Dolmage for a teacher. She was quiet, nice and sweet. BUT you didn't want to get her mad! :)
• I remember my dad taught truck driving at Hawkeye Community College and he brought in a truck and trailer one day and let everyone climb in and on and around on it.
• I remember a farm kid in my class brought in a piglet that was born with like 2 heads and extra legs and all kinds of weirdness. It was not alive, it was mounted in a glass case kind of thing, but it was still rather creepy...cool, but creepy! :P
• I tried out for the High School Musical "Sound of Music" after being invited by the director to do so. I landed the part of Marta, the 2nd to the youngest VonTrapp kiddo. "I'm Marta, I'll be 7 on Tuesday, and I'd like a pink parasol!" I remember all the long practices, doing like coloring books and activities until it was my turn. It was so much work but so much fun. I LOVED IT! The High School kids were SO nice to me. The girl that played Maria even gave us all little gifts with personal cards at the end. I may even still have that card?! The thing I remember most was all the costume changes! OOOOH MY! All the fittings and stuff that went in to that were ridiculous, too!
• I was sick on my birthday this year. I actually got up and went to school (you're NOT supposed to be SICK on your BIRTHDAY, right?!) and right in the middle of "I pledge allegiance to the flaaaaaaaaa.............gggggggggggggggg..........bbbbbbbbbbbbbblah! Yep threw up all over myself, my desk and probably half the kids around me. WHOOPS!
• My Grandparents arrived that night I was sick. I was still lying on the floor in the living room. They had traveled into town to come watch "The Sound of Music".
• My "family" birthday party was the final night of the musical. My mom made a star cake and had cupcakes with  "MARTA" on them around the top... Hmm... I THINK that was for was my birthday, or maybe just to celebrate the musical since EVERYONE came from out of state and everything to watch!...??! Either way, it was all around the same time....
• I also threw up one other time when I was forced to eat sauerkraut. Still won't touch them! I remember throwing up in the lunch line where you had to go clear your tray.
• I'm not sure if this was EXACTLY 2nd grade or not, but around this age I remember listening to the truckers on the CB at my parent's Christmas Tree lot because it was out near interstate. I remember one time getting on the CB and trying to "strum up" tree business. I said, "Hey! Wanna buy a Christmas tree?" And some trucker replied, "Get off the radio little girl!" all mean like. I was PETRIFIED! (I think I had been given strict instructions to stay OFF the radio anyway! LOL Oops!)

Hmm... I'll have to think more about 2nd grade and perhaps add more later?! It must have been a pretty content year if I don't remember anything horrible or embarassing!? LOL

Memory Lane Monday (delayed)

Speaking of school memories...
here are Haven's beginning writings July 2008 <3

First Grade Memories... I'm trying to think of what comes to mind. I had a WONDERFUL teacher and a really GOOD year. Some of the things I remember most:

• I remember taking old Ties from our dad's to make a "Turkey" and all of his feathers for a Thanksgiving bulletin board.
• I remember having like 5th or 6th grade "reading friends" that would come once a week to read us books. My reading friend was Melissa, but all of her friends called her "Bud". LOL She made me a Christmas tree ornament (those like smelly cinnamon-y applesauce kind?) Well last I checked, it was still hanging on my Mom & Dad's Christmas tree! :)
• My teacher's name was "Mrs. Nelson" so we always read the books "Miss Nelson is Missing" (among the other 2 or 3 in the 'series'. It was so COOL our "teacher" was in a book! :)
• I remember a grandmother of a classmate came in every week for quite some time and worked with us to create oil paintings for our parents for Christmas. It was a covered bridge and snow and a log and trees. It was really beautiful... ours weren't QUITE so beautiful, however... my parents still have the one I painted them! I remember the coolest part of it was getting to pick out a kitty cat sticker to put on the log when we finished our picture! :)
• I remember that we got to "write" our first "books". They were hard-covered books that the outsides had cool designs on them. They were all in black and white so we got to color the outside with sharpies AND write a story or stories to go inside! It was SO COOL!
• I remember making a dainty angel out of pastas. I think this was Christmas gift material, too. It still hangs on MY Christmas tree to this day! :)
• I was such a nerd. I wrote a whole presentation on trees because my parents sold Christmas trees at the time. It was NOT a school project... just something I did with my Mom for "fun"! LOL I presented it to my class. And then later I got called to the Principal's office.... for an Academic Award! LOL
• Our Principal was named "Mrs. Hand"... my dad always called her "Mrs. Foot". She always wore noisy high heels and click clacked through the halls! She had big hair too! LOL
• For Saint Patrick's day... the "leprechauns" visited our room. The classroom was TRASHED (which resulted in an all day clean up/tidy up!!! :))! All of our desks were tipped over and everything. There was a trail of green and gold glitter up and out the window! :)
• I was a really good speller and always on the highest level of the class!

Yep I think those are the best memories I have of 1st grade! :) 

Changes and Challenges... Letting Go & Letting God

  So it's been all too long since I have been on my poor neglected little blog...and not because I have forgotten about it. In fact, I have caught myself several times thinking, "Oh this would be really good to blog about" or "I should really blog tonight". I even have 3 save "drafts" in here of times I've STARTED blogging but it just didn't make it very far before I had to quit for whatever reason. Regardless, it's been a very tumultuous week. 

Nothing really "bad" has happened. I still feel very blessed. It's just been a little crazy. And I'm pretty sure now, it's the beginning of a different direction in our lives.

Tuesday night, as every night at 9:00pm, my husband called me on his break. However, his lead off to our conversation was far from usual. "We've got a problem. I'm going to pick the girls up in 2 weeks, and they're coming to live with us." Uh... WHAT? Back up. Rewind. WHAT exactly is going on? 

Last year right before the school year started, there was some ugly stuff going on with the girls down in Oklahoma. The same thing happened with being told the girls were going to come live up here. And after I came to grips with it all I started planning only to have everyone decide "Never mind". I didn't want this to be the case again. It's kind of a "Sh** or get of the pot" situation if you ask me. Don't call and disrupt everyone's lives unless you're going to allow us to make the changes and follow through with them. If you're calling to say it's time for a change... then dang it lets try the change. At any rate, I didn't want another repeat of that situation.

Well tentative planning was done throughout the week as a few more phone calls were made back and forth. By this morning Houston said that Helaena (Ha-Lay-na) has decided she wants to come live here. Roxanne feels that she has already started High School and is involved with school, activities, Upward Bound, etc. so she wants to stay there. At any rate, things are about to change, for sure. The positive note to this is that mom is letting HER decide. So she WANTS to be here. And the thing she was most concerned about is if we go to church! She thought we went to the catholic church still and didn't feel comfortable going there! Hopefully she likes our new church! It could be a super positive change for her.

Regardless of positivity or negativity... I've really come to peace about it. Saying some prayers to do what's right. Asking for some guidance as EVERYONE makes a big transition. I've decided the best thing I can do in the situation is "Let Go...and Let God!"

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.   Jeremiah 29:11